I was at a local watering hole with my good friend Smurfette, when two smurfs approached us. They appeared to be on the average side: middle aged, average looks and personality, and one was a dentist... at least I thought they were average. After chatting about nothing for a while, I slipped away to go to the bathroom, when another smurf started to chat me up. He was a massage therapist, but hopefully he had a day job. Let’s just say Clay Aiken would have had a firmer kung fu grip.
“How does that feel?” Wussie Smurf asked.
“I don’t feel anything,” I yawned. Another pointless conversation, but I do think I blew his mind when I told him I had 6 types of oil in my kitchen alone: canola, olive, sesame seed, almond, grapeseed, and truffle... alas, no massage oil. I
digress. I was trying to figure out how to get out of this slick situation when I received a text from Smurfette telling me she was outside ready to go. When I got out there she showed me one of the greatest texts of all time. I cannot describe it, I won’t try. Just enjoy this real life text:
this is one of the songs I wrote recently. Tell Barbara to drop that looser and hang with us.
Dork Mofucka Dentist:
My name is DMD
That's a dental degree
when it comes to rhymes and you read the facts
i'm better than that motherfucker dmx
Even in the webster under "rapper"
in the alfabet i'm before that gangster.
You think he is tough cuz he has ho's,
slangs dope, shoots guns and all,
Shit I'm dealing with drugs like tylenol.
Using my special skills,
I can make my own grills,
They are not just cool and not just charmin',
They even have perfect margin.
Florida got a mouthful of cavities,
Cuz his grill was done by a bunch of nobodies.
Now he is calling me to fix his smile,
Cuz he has an overbite over a mile.
I just pimped up my baby's smile,
She was hot before now she is off the dial.
When she walks down the street and smiles,
She distracts all the drivers.
Constant honking and that is no lie,
She has to wear earphones just to get by,
And guess who she listens to without no end,
Her motherfucker dentist boyfriend.
The answer to your question is yes...Yes I did rap this out loud on the street, and yes I did dance along.Note to smurfs: if you’re trying to impress a chick, write a rap about your occupation. 20% of the time it works every time.