UnSmurfette and Clash Smurf


Any time you go to Vegas you're bound to return with millions of
stories. Some I'll take to the grave, but this one needs to be in a
stand-up comedy routine....
One of my fav smurfettes and I were staying at the Hard Rock in vegas,
and we decided to stop by the bar in the middle of the casino. We were
people watching, checking out the men, when all of a sudden we both
winced and said, "Oooooh girl!" We spotted the most embarrassing
outfit in the entire world. She looked like a lost soul, like she had
only 1 clean shirt and 1 clean skirt, so by default she was forced to
wear them together. It was a drapey, rouged pink skirt that went to
that awkward mid-calf length. I decided it was like the old red
theater curtains that fold up before the movie starts....but in a
dirty pink color. Her top was a plain khaki shirt with some glitter
design on the front. She also had the matching rouged gold clutch,
that just screamed Dollar Store. Oh, and she was wearing wicker flip
flops. She was certainly working it, prancing around the bar, feeling
confident. She wasn't showing enough skin to be a hooker, and she was
too coherant to be on drugs....she had no excuse to be wearing that!
As we often do, we were playing bar dare, and of course Smurfette
dared me to compliment one article of this fireworks spectacular
fantasmic fashion show. We take a seat next to her, and I say, "I love
that purse, it's so cute!" UnSmurfette says, "This piece of shit?" HA,
so we start chatting, drinking, getting to know one another.
Apparently she's waiting for her friend to get off work, but he's
taking a long time. We mutually entertain each other until he arrives.
We'll call him Clash Smurf because he loved my T-Shirt with The Clash
on it. He buys us a round of drinks, and all 4 of us chat for a bit.
Then we kindly give the 2 friends some space, and we chat amongst
ourselves. He can't get over my badass t-shirt, and he buys another
round for all 4 of us. We begin another group chat when all of a
sudden, UnSmurfette storms off. The 3 of us are shocked by the
tantrum....what the hell just happened? By this time we can see that
she is jealous of the attention he's giving us. We discover they were
more than friends at one time, and she's most likely still into him.
We talk about how she must have seen this as a date and he's leading
her on. Then thunder strikes me! I say, "Wait wait wait! So you're
telling me that she got dressed up for you tonight!? She must have
tried on six of seven outfits tonight to try to look good for you!!"
Well ok, about halfway through that I was on the ground crying, but I
did manage to get all those words out eventually. I hate to say it,
but I've never laughed so hard in my life! He didn't really get it,
but Smurfette and I were rolling.
On a side note, I still text Clash Smurf, he's hysterical. I find new
friends in the oddest places.


Direct Smurf


I turned 30 just a bit ago and have been reassessing life. I don't have any answers yet, but the fact that I'm perpetually single has made me wonder if I need to take more risks and give more guys a chance. I've even been considering doing that online dating stuff. When I looked into it, it's just the same as being at a bar: You don't really know what a guy looks like until the lights come on and you can finally see him face to face, AND you have be patient with all the douchbaggery that distracts you from what you're really after. But I digress...

So, taking more risks was a decision I came to. When my neighbors invited me out to meet their friend, I decided to go along even though I had to work early the next morning. I threw a sweater over my nightgown (hey, taking more risks means going as you are too) and headed to the bar. I spent the evening chatting with the smurf who was ok looking but really smart and terribly motivated. I was pretty impressed to hit it off so well. Consequently I stayed much longer than I should have, and by the time I brought us all home I had about 4 hours to sleep before work. Smurf walked me up to my apt and wanted to see my "library" of books. I do indeed have one and I suppose this was an acceptable segue to getting in the front door. He came in, looked around and started to make small talk. He was sober, and I was a little embarrassed by the fact that all my laundry was hanging out. He turned to look at me and after he mentioned that it was really late he surprised me with, "So, am I going to get laid tonite?" Holy directness, Batman! Thank you for asking, guy with sleeves who I just met in a lesbian bar whilst parading around in my nightgown, but I don't move that fast. It's time to work on your come-on lines.