The Vortex


The cosmos know just when it's finally ok for the smurfs of dating hell to return. You know what I mean... you've firmly decided that he's not a threat, so much so that you don't even think about him. In just this past week the cosmos have reminded me of a lot of douchebags via technology. I suppose that's to be expected with all of this social interconnectedness. My only conclusion is that these are some of my tests. Yes, the cosmos are testing my sanity to see if I will do the same things over again expecting the same results. You decide:

Smurf who I dated briefly over the summer "tagged" me in a photo and then must have changed his mind because I couldn't find the picture. This is odd for many reasons, but my reaction was to remove him from my friends. Deleted.

Buble smurf started to chat me up on FB for no apparent reason. Deleted.

My First Smurf found me on FB and wanted to add me as a friend. Now this requires just a bit of background... He was my first and he was older, had his shit together, I really liked him. Then, out of the blue, he just stopped communicating with me at all. It was over. I found out through a mutual friend that, unfortunately, he liked someone else just as much. He cheated on me through the whole thing and he was going to be with her. I haven't seen or heard from him since and now he wants to be my friend?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Delete.

Now you may be thinking, "Hanna, you made the same decision for each of these instances. Isn't that the first part of the definition of insanity? What are you expecting?" I'm expecting to never hear from any of these guys again. And that feels good. I'm also considering getting rid of FB....


David Hasselhoff Smurf


When you work with someone, it's inevitable that you will eventually see the highlights and lowlights of his life through some odd moment when he doesn't think you're paying attention. See, I have begun to learn that smurfs who share workspace with a woman feel that they are somehow closer to that woman. Maybe it's because in most workplaces you get to see the true colors of a person when they are sick, stressed, elated, shattered... the list goes on. But always this sort of attitude makes smurfs feel empowered to hit on a woman after an undetermined period of time has passed. Thus, my story:

After work I went to a bar with a few coworkers. Now, this smurf has been slipping in little comments here and there at work that make me pretty aware of the fact that this period of staking me out has made smurf feel empowered. I decided to mix in a bit of alcohol and a fun atmosphere to get the chance to see how he really feels, (I know, I'm a glutton for punishment). Well, at the bar we were a group of four- me, a smurfette and 2 smurfs- indulging in beer and shots (yes, I am getting a little old for that) and this smurf's amorous nature starts to come out. We find a mask on a popcicle stick in the bar which happens to be the face of David Hasselhoff. That mask was the best idea for a talk-piece at a bar (I found out later from the bartenders that they just put them all over the bar to see the reactions of the patrons). So this smurf wears the mask, and he has a blast flirting with me and the other smurfette. No skin off my back, but then he starts to try and kiss both of us at sporadic times. Now, I don't really know why he thinks that it's ok to be polyamorous at with two coworkers in the same setting, but he is determined. I shrug off his efforts, but smurfette indulges in her less-than-coherent state. The night continues to a local's loft and we drink a bit more, and smurf is not giving up on either of us. Again, I brush him off (I still have to work with him) and I move to the next room. A few moments later after distinct spit-swapping sounds and giggles, I hear the rhythmic creaking of the living room couch. Thanks for lulling me to sleep, assholes.

But oh, it gets better. After that day I have been asked out no fewer than 3 times from this exact same smurf. Apparently one workplace hook-up just wasn't enough. Now I know that you deserve the title of The HOFF Smurf... the comparative douchebaggery is astounding.

One week, Two Gentle-Smurfs


Now, I have been spending a awful lot of time chatting about smurfs who goof up. And I have plenty more of those stories to share, but let me just reflect upon some gentle-smurfs who I met this week. That's right, I'm taking a moment out of my day to say that not only is chivalry alive, but that I'm impressed.

I should first clarify that both of the smurfs I'm about to mention I found online. I don't know if any of the rest of you had any doubts about it as I have, but I found two NICE smurfs the first go. Since two is hardly enough smurfs to create an accurate statistic I am not going to make any claims that this is the norm or even a trend, but maybe, just maybe there is something to this whole concept of "asking for what you want" online.

Both gentle-smurfs were excellent conversationalists, they listened to my stories as intently as I listened to theirs, and they had pleasant dispositions. I was impressed. However, I didn't feel that chemical spark as I would have liked to. I mean, I would happily become friends with either or both, but I don't think that we're all online to find new friends, are we? Still, I have renewed my faith in men at just the right time. It seems that I am finally ready to fall in love.


UnSmurfette and Clash Smurf


Any time you go to Vegas you're bound to return with millions of
stories. Some I'll take to the grave, but this one needs to be in a
stand-up comedy routine....
One of my fav smurfettes and I were staying at the Hard Rock in vegas,
and we decided to stop by the bar in the middle of the casino. We were
people watching, checking out the men, when all of a sudden we both
winced and said, "Oooooh girl!" We spotted the most embarrassing
outfit in the entire world. She looked like a lost soul, like she had
only 1 clean shirt and 1 clean skirt, so by default she was forced to
wear them together. It was a drapey, rouged pink skirt that went to
that awkward mid-calf length. I decided it was like the old red
theater curtains that fold up before the movie starts....but in a
dirty pink color. Her top was a plain khaki shirt with some glitter
design on the front. She also had the matching rouged gold clutch,
that just screamed Dollar Store. Oh, and she was wearing wicker flip
flops. She was certainly working it, prancing around the bar, feeling
confident. She wasn't showing enough skin to be a hooker, and she was
too coherant to be on drugs....she had no excuse to be wearing that!
As we often do, we were playing bar dare, and of course Smurfette
dared me to compliment one article of this fireworks spectacular
fantasmic fashion show. We take a seat next to her, and I say, "I love
that purse, it's so cute!" UnSmurfette says, "This piece of shit?" HA,
so we start chatting, drinking, getting to know one another.
Apparently she's waiting for her friend to get off work, but he's
taking a long time. We mutually entertain each other until he arrives.
We'll call him Clash Smurf because he loved my T-Shirt with The Clash
on it. He buys us a round of drinks, and all 4 of us chat for a bit.
Then we kindly give the 2 friends some space, and we chat amongst
ourselves. He can't get over my badass t-shirt, and he buys another
round for all 4 of us. We begin another group chat when all of a
sudden, UnSmurfette storms off. The 3 of us are shocked by the
tantrum....what the hell just happened? By this time we can see that
she is jealous of the attention he's giving us. We discover they were
more than friends at one time, and she's most likely still into him.
We talk about how she must have seen this as a date and he's leading
her on. Then thunder strikes me! I say, "Wait wait wait! So you're
telling me that she got dressed up for you tonight!? She must have
tried on six of seven outfits tonight to try to look good for you!!"
Well ok, about halfway through that I was on the ground crying, but I
did manage to get all those words out eventually. I hate to say it,
but I've never laughed so hard in my life! He didn't really get it,
but Smurfette and I were rolling.
On a side note, I still text Clash Smurf, he's hysterical. I find new
friends in the oddest places.


Direct Smurf


I turned 30 just a bit ago and have been reassessing life. I don't have any answers yet, but the fact that I'm perpetually single has made me wonder if I need to take more risks and give more guys a chance. I've even been considering doing that online dating stuff. When I looked into it, it's just the same as being at a bar: You don't really know what a guy looks like until the lights come on and you can finally see him face to face, AND you have be patient with all the douchbaggery that distracts you from what you're really after. But I digress...

So, taking more risks was a decision I came to. When my neighbors invited me out to meet their friend, I decided to go along even though I had to work early the next morning. I threw a sweater over my nightgown (hey, taking more risks means going as you are too) and headed to the bar. I spent the evening chatting with the smurf who was ok looking but really smart and terribly motivated. I was pretty impressed to hit it off so well. Consequently I stayed much longer than I should have, and by the time I brought us all home I had about 4 hours to sleep before work. Smurf walked me up to my apt and wanted to see my "library" of books. I do indeed have one and I suppose this was an acceptable segue to getting in the front door. He came in, looked around and started to make small talk. He was sober, and I was a little embarrassed by the fact that all my laundry was hanging out. He turned to look at me and after he mentioned that it was really late he surprised me with, "So, am I going to get laid tonite?" Holy directness, Batman! Thank you for asking, guy with sleeves who I just met in a lesbian bar whilst parading around in my nightgown, but I don't move that fast. It's time to work on your come-on lines.


Michael Buble Smurf


I met a guy at a friend's party and he found me on facebook the next day so that he could ask me out.  He had recently received his PhD and was interested in going back to law school.  Now, I LOVE the smarties, and couldn't wait to pick this guy's brain so I readily accepted his offer to have some beers at a local brewery.  After it took him 45 minutes to get ready (I assured him I wasn't going to get pretty for him) he picked me up in his huge SUV (can we say overcompensation?) and opened the door for me where good ole Michael Buble pumped from his speakers.  Really now, I'm glad that you're in touch with your feminine side, but this juxtaposition of manly meets wussy was already too much to handle.  BUT I went with him for drinks... well, I should say I had two drinks, he had one.  He talked about himself more than he should and then explained that he wasn't going to have anymore to drink because he didn't want to drive under the influence.  Fair enough, but we were there for two hours.  I'm pretty sure he could have had another one.  But I'm almost an alcoholic, so I guess I can't blame him for being responsible.

We left the brewery and he was heading to my place to drop me off when he surprised me by wanting another drink.  "Some where in your neighborhood" he told me.  Now, some of you might think that this is a bit diabolical, but I assure you that I told MB Smurf exactly what he was getting into.  I took him to the local gay bar.  In fact, there are usually transvestites there as well.  It's a local watering hole with pool and karaoke and, of course, lots of people watching.  So yes, I told him where we were going and he agreed.  Throughout our adventure there he kept moving closer and closer to me as more men eyed Buble.  I think the thing that put him over the top though, was when the two trannies in nun habits with disco make-up on, came up to him with leather whips asking him if he'd been naughty or nice.  Now I thought this was hysterical, but he was ready to leave.  He was wrapped so tightly around me I practically had to carry him out.  And I did smile in some respects, because he did survive and was a good sport about it.  Not that this was enough to win back any points with me, but I had more respect for him.

He brought me back home and couldn't find parking by my apt, so he just left his car running in someone else's driveway as he walked me to my door... then into my apt... then tried to get hot and heavy with me... WHILE HIS CAR WAS RUNNING.  Boring.  I kindly declined and sent him back to that gas guzzler outside pumping out reinvented rat pack standards.

Moral of the story: Even if you put a guy through hell during a date with the intention of just making him squirm, he will still try and get you naked.  Perhaps my hints weren't subtle enough...